Sleepless Nights
Alright, this is getting ridiculous. Lately I have not been able to sleep when I want to at all. And of course the more i worry about getting to sleep when I need to the less sleep I get. Yesterday I maybe slept like 6 hours total scattered through the day. And the day before that I slept in the morning for the most part. So despite the fact that I should be tired I end up laying there unable to sleep. And of course if I get up I feel shitty and my head hurts. I just don't feel like really doing anything yet I can't sleep either.

If I think back to what started this it was when my mom made me go to the beach with her, nancy and jd. Despite the fact that i told her I didn't feel like going and that I was tired they just nagged and guilted me into going and turned me into the asshole. Since then I have not been able to sleep right. And of course lately I have to worry about actually being prepared enough to pass the drivers test in 8 days. All I keep thinking about is how much money i'll waste if I fail. It doesn't help much that even if I know i'm not a bad driver I can't feel confident. And if I don't feel confident then I don't enjoy doing whatever it is. And then obviously if I don't enjoy something I dont want to have anything to do with it. It's basically just a big circle of me really not wanting to drive. It feels like i'm being forced to learn something I don't need or want to use. But I want my license, not to drive but just to say I have it. That way people can stop looking down on me for not having something I have never needed.

I think i'm just getting more and more sick of being hated or looked down upon, not for doing something wrong but for not doing something. If I don't drink i'm too uptight. If i don't want to drive or go running off to some shitty pointless job then i'm screwed up. If I don't love every single thing i've ever encountered then i'm cold and heartless. If I don't believe in god or religion then I don't have faith or modesty. Everyone else in this world is making stupid mistake after stupid mistake and yet i'm the asshole for not acting like a fool. I have never made any mistakes in my life. I have never done anything that will hurt me or others and I don't do anything wasteful or stupid. But that is of course opinion because most people would think that I am wasting my life but not doing all of those stupid things. You only get one life they say. So why would I throw it away by doing retarded things or ruining my body with drugs, alcohol or other popular methods?

The things people do in this world because they are popular or because their 'god' forces them to are just foolish. Kids think that drinking and drugs are awesome because of how glorified they are in society. Other people base everything they do or don't do on what their 'holy' book says. Humans have been alive for far too long. They have come up with way too many unnatural things to occupy their time. Whatever happened to doing what it takes to survive and just living for the sake of living? Why exactly do you need to prove yourself to some god by following some made up rules that really have no effect on the outcome?

And what is with this thing that religion has against dying when you are sick than hell and on the way out anyways. They say you should wait and leave this world when god has planned it. Do you realize that going to a hospital and taking medicine are also going against that 'god's' master plan? And if you try saying that he gave us the resources to keep people alive so they can live then it is very easy to counter that he also gave us the resources to end it already. Why exactly is it more humane to let some suffer and wither away with cancer or some other disease when they could just be put out of their misery. If it is just part of that master plan to make people suffer in yet another way then that is just one more reason why i think the idea of a god is a scam.

But overall, the fact that I think this way is the reason why i'm always alone. My standards are too high. I'm too strict. I think everything is stupid. I judge everyone and everything too harshly. I'm self centered and stubborn. The way I feel is never the view of the masses, or even the minority. I'm more than used to this at this point in my life and i've already excepted that hardly anyone feels the same way as I do. Even if someone agreed with some of the things I say they still don't have enough conviction to actually follow through with it. Logic is obsolete and the world is becoming more and more rotten. Emotions are starting to rule more than ever and i'm sure someone could change the basics of arithmetic if they worked homosexuality and racism in there somewhere. Two plus two doesn't equal four anymore.

Well I guess i'm getting tired of going on about this for now. It's not like a single person would ever change their outlook on life based on the way I feel so it was mostly just to pass the time. But that's the only reason anyone does anything in this world. Without random stupid things to do we might actually have a prosperous race of people where peace and (straight) love actually take precedence. But who am I kidding, it's more likely that everyone on the planet gets struck by lightning at the same time before that would ever happen.